i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize