Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
