She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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