remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
