I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
