oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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