Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I intend to get homeless drunk
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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