Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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