My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
