she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
