Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
