How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
