FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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