Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
