the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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