kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize