you would pick up someone in the library
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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