What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
