WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
