about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who died my cat blue again?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
