Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
