Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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