i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
