so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
