Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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