Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
