Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
