a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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