dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
