I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
