Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You are the jesus of drinking
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
