Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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