Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
