Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Drake has all the answers
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize