I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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