I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
