i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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