I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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