i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
