I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
