I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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