My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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