I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im having a threesome with these popsicles
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
