my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Success! We fucked roommates!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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