She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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