i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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