So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
