I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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