Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
