Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
