if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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