I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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