chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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