Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
