I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
