every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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