I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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