I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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