Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
