My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
