Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
