i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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