I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i now understand why vodka
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize