Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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