There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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