I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
