She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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