I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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