You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
