If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
